Faith and Knowledge
by royaltyjunk
Summary: "...Yes," she whispers, but it's clear she's not convinced the way her eyes are narrowed, her eyebrows furrowed, and her voice is soft. Joshua doesn't notice though, and smiles. Natasha can't.


Summary:

"...Yes," she whispers, but it's clear she's not convinced the way her eyes are narrowed, her eyebrows furrowed, and her voice is soft. Joshua doesn't notice though, and smiles. Natasha can't.

 _Author's Ideas: Guys I'm going to die I think this fic has sucked my soul out of me_

 _*inhales* SCREEEEEEEEEE_

 _Anyways uh, here's part five of Wishing Until My Heart Goes Cold (series on AO3 go check it out if you like getting your feelings ripped out). I hate myself for writing this but I love it so much he l p_

 _Also I realize most of this is written from Natasha's POV but I promise this is supposed to be Joshua's fic it's just he really doesn't seem to be a guy who has love problems? Natasha seems more like that kind of person so I wrote Natasha's POV and now I'm rambling_

 _Also happy Valentine's Day *cackles evilly in the distance* SUFFER_

* * *

Faith and Knowledge

* * *

Natasha sighs, adjusting the veil on her head. Joshua places a hand on her arm, steadying her.

"How are you feeling?" he murmurs, a worried look in his eyes. She blinks thankfully, a feeling of warmth spreading through her from the place his hand is on her arm.

"I'm fine," she whispers. She leans into his touch, and he lets her. The warmth in her heart grows, the light of her faith flashes brighter, and she smiles slightly.

"What is it?" Joshua asks, and Natasha can feel his curiosity in the air. She shakes her head, but the smile doesn't go away.

"It's nothing."

"Really?" he questions, his voice low and teasing. Her smile stretches wider, and she looks up at him. She can see the playfulness in his eyes, and she touches her fingers to his cheek.

"I was just thinking, how lucky I am to be with you."

Joshua laughs. "Lady Luck has her ways."

"To tell the truth, I'm rather glad she wasn't with you on that day we met."

"Yeah," he agrees. "I am too."

Natasha slips her hand into his and feels her heart grow happy and warm. They continue down the ragged path, a content silence between them.

"Joshua! Natasha!" Tana's voice calls from above, and the two of them glance up to see the princess of Frelia on her pegasus, flying down and landing in front of them. "We were getting worried about why you hadn't come back."

"Apologies," Natasha responds, "we took a little longer than I thought we would."

Tana smiles, nodding understandingly. "It's okay. I'll fly ahead and let Eirika and Ephraim know."

"Thanks, Tana," Joshua replies. Tana's smile just grows wider before she pulls on her reins and zips across the sky. He turns to Natasha, and with a shared laugh and a squeeze to their intertwined hands, begins to lead them through the forest.

Natasha trails after him, clinging tightly to the robe around her shoulders. Joshua glances over his shoulder at her, a worried look in his eyes.

"Are you… still sure?"

Natasha smiles in response, and feelings of gratefulness and thankfulness spread through her. "Yes, Joshua," she whispers, "I will go with you to Jehanna, because I love you."

His eyes meet hers, and then he leans in and kisses her forehead. "Thank you," he whispers.

She just squeezes his hand, and with a laugh, they begin to run, making for the edge of the forest. They hop over roots, duck under branches, and all the while Natasha's heart is racing as she squeezes her hand tighter around Joshua's, and she feels a sense of joy and freedom flutter through her when Joshua throws back his head and lets out the most boisterous laugh, and sound, she's ever heard him make.

They dash right through the edge of the forest, and Natasha leans against Joshua, giggling softly. He's shaking with laughter, but hugs her tight, pressing kisses on her forehead and lips. She giggles again, and playfully, he mumbles into her ear, "Stay still."

She giggles harder this time, a soft feeling of joy and a wave of happiness crashing over her.

"Joshua! Natasha!" Eirika's voice calls for them, and Joshua tugs on Natasha's hand. She kisses his cheek before nodding, and they step into Eirika's line of view. She smiles and beckons them closer.

"Sorry," Joshua apologizes. "We lost track of time."

"It's alright," Eirika smiles. "As long as you're safe. Are you ready to go?"

"Yes," Natasha murmurs softly. "I believe most of our belongings should be with Gerik, or Cormag."

Eirika nods. "Let me tell Ephraim. We'll be leaving soon."

"Of course. And Eirika?" Joshua calls out to her as she goes to leave, and she looks over her shoulder, a questioning look in her eyes.

"Is something the matter?"

"No. Just… you did well, in bringing us to victory. Hold your head high."

Eirika starts, and then smiles. "Thank you, Joshua." She turned and walked toward Rausten Castle, a confident feeling emanating from her step. Natasha stared after her, and then looked up at Joshua.

"That was a good idea," she murmurs.

"I try my best," Joshua grins back. "Come on. We should go back to - "

There's a distant rustling from the forest behind them, and they both turn. Natasha feels a sense of apprehension in the back of her mind.

"What was that?" she whispers softly. Joshua steps in front of her.

"I don't know, but it doesn't sound safe."

A pair of sparrows fly out from the trees, and Natasha lets out a gentle breath until she hears the furious rustling of bushes. The sparrows don't seem concerned. They let out calls to each other - perhaps mating calls.

She realizes she will never know when a wolf explodes out of the bushes and pins them both to the ground before tearing the sparrows' throats, sending blood across the floor. It glares over its shoulder at the two of them before picking its prey up in its jaws and bounding into the forest again.

Natasha presses a hand to her head, clinging tightly to Joshua.

"It's okay," he whispers in response, gently covering her eyes. She turns her head away, burying her face in his chest. He strokes the back of her head soothingly.

"Thank you…"

Still, the unease in her throat doesn't budge.

~ / . / . / ~

"Queen Natasha," someone grinds out through gritted teeth as she passes by them at the wedding reception. She ignores the hidden malice in his voice, and curtsies. She won't let it get to her. Joshua - no, all of Jehanna - is counting on her. She won't let them down. She can't.

"Greetings, sir. I don't believe we've met before."

"We have not," he confirms. "My name is Lord Heasen, a former lord in Grado, now an advisor in the royal court of Jehanna."

"I see. I must admit, my experience with nobles is limited because of my upbringing and Jehanna's social system, so please forgive me if I offend you."

"Yes, yes," he agrees, with a dismissive tone. Natasha purses her lips, but forces herself to calm down. Not now, she repeats to herself, not while everyone's watching. "Still, I must ask you something, Queen Natasha."

"What is it?"

"I must say… I do not think you and your lord husband are exactly… qualified, per say, to be queen and king."

She tenses up, feeling her fingers curl themselves into fists in the folds of her dress. "And why would you say that?" she asks coolly. She's heard stories from Princess Eirika, Princess Tana, even from Joshua about his memories when he used to live in Jehanna. Stories about how the nobles were such a controlling force in the royal courts, were so meddlesome and so supercilious. She had prepared herself for something like this, but this early in her reign?

"Well… can we honestly trust love so readily? You come from Grado, and were raised in a clergy, not a noble home. You've never had contact with the responsibilities of a queen, or even a noble, have you? Your lord husband has been gone from Jehanna for so many years, how could he possibly be fit to rule? Our country should be in the hands of people much more capable, not people like you or your lord husband."

"Are you saying - "

"I agree," someone else pipes up, interrupting her objection, and Natasha bites her lip. Several nobles shoulder their way through the crowd to stand beside Lord Heasen, murmurs of agreement drifting through the air. The tension in the air is so thick that Natasha could run a blade through it. It's oppressive, persecuting. Like Grado.

"What's going on here?" Joshua's voice rings out, clear and loud over the heads of the small crowd. The nobles look up with confidence, but Natasha turns suddenly, coming face to face with a frowning Joshua. He looks at her. "Natasha?"

"...My apologies," she murmurs, feeling a wave of guilt wash over her. To her surprise, he shakes his head.

"No, you've clearly done nothing wrong." She starts, confusion coursing through her, but Joshua shifts his gaze to the nobles in front of her, and then the crowd around them. "Well? Do you have anything to say, Lord Heasen? Or Lord Prent? Lord Ilm, what about you?"

They glance at each other, and Natasha feels relief for her husband's boldness.

"I see," he's saying. "Simply because you doubt our ability to rule, you would destroy our love and the country you claim to serve? You clearly know nothing of Natasha, or me." His eyes narrow then, and his face hardens. "Not a word of this again, or I will ask you to leave Jehanna."

Natasha slips her hand into his, a seed of worry sprouting in her heart as she sees the look on the faces of the nobles who walk away. "Joshua…"

He glances at her, and then his expression softens. He squeezes their entwined hands, bringing them up to his lips and kissing the back of her hand. "I'm sorry," he murmurs. "But I can't let you just take those mean words and not do anything about it."

"I know," she whispers. He squeezes her hand in reassurance, and she smiles.

Still, the apprehension remains rooted in her gut, and she can barely pay attention for the rest of the wedding ceremony, even when the bells ring, even after the castle becomes empty, and even while Joshua leads her through the hallways to, now, their shared bedroom and glances at her worriedly.

"What is it, Natasha?" he questions softly. She starts, looking up. "What?"

"Something's wrong," he replies as she falls onto the bed and leans against his shoulder. "What is it?"

"...Maybe they're right," she whispers, pulling her knees to her chest. "Maybe I was never meant for this," Her voice is shaky, and she begins to tremble. Joshua shakes his head, drawing her into a hug.

"Pay them no attention," he reassures gently. "They're just… nobles."

"But, Joshua…"

"They're just nobles," he reassures, his voice a little firmer. "Their lives mean nothing to us."

"...Yes," she whispers, but it's clear she's not convinced the way her eyes are narrowed, her eyebrows furrowed, and her voice is soft. Joshua doesn't notice though, and smiles.

Natasha can't.

~ / . / . / ~

She wakes in the middle of the night to an empty bed and distant rustling.

Quietly, she sits up, rubbing her eyes. Her efforts to stay silent are nothing to him, she realizes, and he turns at the flash of movement in the corner of his eye.

"...Natasha," he murmurs softly. He's wearing his old hat and his old robes, is tucking a killing edge into his old sheath, and she starts awake when she realizes it.

"Are you going somewhere?" she inquires. Her heart begins to pound angrily in her ears, and unease begins to form in the back of her mind, like it had when they'd watched those sparrows be killed, their blood spilling across the ground.

"...Yeah," he murmurs. "I'm going on a journey."

She knows then, why she feels such unease. "How long?"

"Who's to say," Joshua smiles bitterly. "I'll be gone for as long as it takes me to learn."

"Then I should go with you!" Natasha cries.

"No," Joshua refuses bluntly, looking her in the eye. "You can't. This is something I must do by myself."

"But - "

"Don't come," Joshua growls sternly, cutting off her protest. "I told you. It's something I must do by myself. You don't understand. I need to learn."

"Learn what!?" she asks desperately.

He ignores her question and gives her one last look before pulling his hat down and leaving the room.

The door closes with a loud, resounding click. Natasha glares at the statues of the gods in front of her before falling into a dreamless, dark slumber.

~ / . / . / ~

He comes back on a winter day when Jehanna's nights are frigid, and whispers in her ear that he missed her as the sun rises.

The hairs along the back of her neck rise as his breath ghosts her cheek and his cold fingers brush against her arm. She shivers, and he laughs softly.

"Natasha," he lulls in that deep voice of his, and she curls into herself more. The bed shifts - he's sitting on the bed beside her now. He runs a gentle hand through her golden curls.

She sits up suddenly, pushing his hand away. He looks at her curiously, and she presses her hand against her chest, her fingers curling into the blanket pulled up to her breasts.

"What is it, Natasha?" he asks quietly, and she glares at him.

"'What is it'?" she repeats accusingly. "You come back one day out of nowhere acting like nothing happened? Like everything will solve itself because you're back?"

"Natasha - "

"You abandoned the people in need… and me…" she whispers, hugging her knees to her chest.

Joshua stays silent, and she lifts her gaze. His face is stoic, and then he shakes his head.

"You… really think that?" Joshua questions in a tone that sounds like disbelief.

"Why else would you leave?"

"I left to learn how to protect you!" he erupts angrily. "I'm too weak to be a leader! I never wanted this, but I care for my people, and you!"

"So you left to get better at needless violence?" she retorts. "Joshua, you know how I feel about fighting."

"Not everything can be solved by faith," he snaps back. "I don't like violence either. But sometimes it's the only way to solve everything."

"I might have believed that," she replies, "but you're the one who made me leave that belief behind. And now what can I rely on? Neither my faith nor power will save me, and neither will you. I have nothing in the world left for me, Joshua."

"Your faith…?" he murmurs questioningly.

"I prayed to the gods everyday that you would come back… that you would realize just how futile violence is in the face of something intangible, like our love, or the grasp of death. And yet you stayed away, and I stayed in despair. I wondered if the gods really were listening to me. Would they abandon me in my hardest trial when they had seen me through so many other times? Surely they wouldn't. And yet they did, and you still cannot realize that there is some truth to my words."

Joshua's eyes widen, and Natasha falls onto her side on the bed. She curls into herself more, and closes her eyes. Joshua takes a deep breath, and then the earth starts shaking.

Natasha sits up immediately, a startled feeling running through her. "What - "

She's cut off when a large tremor explodes, and she presses herself against the bed before slowly slipping off of it. She's knocked off her feet the instant she's standing, and falls to her knees. Joshua catches her wordlessly, and they watch as the earth trembles, and then slows, and then doesn't shake, leaving its wake a trail of toppled over ornaments and trinkets.

"What was that?" Joshua asks, a terrified look in his eyes and a quaver in his voice.

Suddenly, she remembers a scene from the old War of Stones, that unfortunate war, a scene where Knoll had told her that Grado would become unearthed, swept in a great catastrophe that would destroy the land, and she buries her face in her hands, sobbing.

"Oh gods… how could you test me like this…? First my love… and now one of my countries… How? Why?"

Joshua remains silent.

~ / . / . / ~

They return from Grado tired and weary, but not unsuccessful. The old country is being repaired, little by little, one step at a time.

Natasha couldn't say she regretted going to Grado. Being able to meet all the people she hadn't seen in years, it was comforting. Seeing everyone that she could help, in one way or another - it had warmed her heart. It made her feel different from all the other ways she'd been able to help. And her friends - the emotions still lingered in her.

General Duessel… Cormag… and Knoll. She had heard young Amelia had come running down from Renais to help her home village, but by the time the young knight had made it to Silva, Natasha had already gone.

She lets out a breath, shedding off her cloak and adjusting her veil. Joshua takes it wordlessly, and she blinks in surprise, but doesn't question it. His boots click against the tile, and she keeps her eyes fixated ahead.

At one point, he takes a right turn instead of going forward to their bedroom. She doesn't try to go after him, and just walks down the hallway to their bedroom. There's something crawling up in her heart, making its way to her spirit and her mind, and even though she should stop it, she doesn't, because she knows it's something from the past to haunt, and it'll go away eventually.

Except it doesn't, even when the sun has set, and she can still hear the sounds of her husband training with the sword, despite how peaceful the world is.

She lies awake for much of the night, feigning sleep when Joshua falls onto the bed beside her, turns away from her, and eventually falls asleep. She listens with an intent ear, and when his breathing is even, and she knows that not even a war could wake him, she presses herself up against his back, revels in the sound of his heartbeat, and wonders what compelled her to act like this.

She gets the answer when she blinks her eyes open blearily, sits up, and sees the statues of the gods she so willingly disregarded.

Her heart leaps into her throat. She always woke up to them… but this feeling had never been here.

Had it really been the gods all along? Had they watched over her the whole time, even when she had been ignoring them? They must have known that she was ignoring them - they were the gods. And yet… perhaps they truly wouldn't abandon her in the face of anything and everything.

Joshua is gone, or at the very least not in bed beside her. She's not surprised.

With shaking hands, Natasha slips out of bed, and then kneels before the small statues of the gods she's been ignoring for so long. She feels a pang of guilt at the layer of dust covering them, and lowers her head. She closes her eyes and folds her hands tentatively.

"Oh gods…" she murmurs, her lips forming words from instinct, "my greatest thanks for blessing us with this day, and our time together. I give you my thanks for granting us everything we need and have."

She pauses then. Her heart is screaming at her, the question bubbling in her heart. Even if she had doubted her faith, even if she had tried to steer herself into the direction of knowledge… this was the road she had chosen to walk.

So in that moment, Natasha decides to believe again, and the light in the back of her eyes flashes to life, like the faith she'd held back awakening in her.

"Please, oh gods… tell me what I am to do."

The words fall from her lips hesitantly, and then she can't hold back, and it all comes rushing out.

"I love him… and yet I cannot express to him everything I feel. Is that truly love, then? If I cannot feel the urge to reveal my heart to the one who will be closest to me… is this truly love? Oh gods… I know I have strayed from you… but please… as your servant, guide me. As your follower, tell me when I am going astray. As your believer, listen to my words, and tell me which road I am to walk. Thank you, oh gods, for gifting us with… the knowledge that we have, and the faith we can hold fast onto. Thank you, oh gods, for the love you have granted me, that I am able to love the one I do. Thank you, oh gods, for everything. Truly."

~ / . / . / ~

She finds him leaning against the pillars of the hallway as sunlight filters through the stained glass windows, painting him various shades of golden and red and blue, and all she wants to do is cry.

She holds it in though, and takes quiet steps forward. Joshua's hand twitches, but he refuses to turn around, even though he knows she's there.

They stand in silence, Natasha's eyes trained on Joshua and his eyes staring at the golden desert outside the castle.

"Joshua," she states, her voice a whisper.

The crown on his head shifts; his gaze drifts to the floor where the colored sunlight is stretched out. "Natasha," he finally breathes out.

And it's in that moment that, for some reason, Natasha is reminded of the way he spoke when she'd first met him. It had been low, soft, unconfident, and she can't put her finger on why she's thinking of things like this at a time like this.

"Did you finally sort out things with those gods of yours?" Joshua questions, a corner of his mouth turning up slightly.

She closes her eyes. Her eyelids wash over with light. "I suppose."

"Really?" There's a shuffling sound, and she hears his boots click against the floor as he takes steps forward. Something soft brushes her neck, something warm presses itself against her cheek. It's his cheek pressed against hers, his hair tickling her neck. She can feel him running his hands through her hair, his soft breaths warming her ear.

"They told me to speak with you," she murmurs. Joshua doesn't say a word, and lets her continue, although she feels him tense up against her. Hesitantly, she opens her eyes and rests her hand against his chest. She can feel the way his heart beats, and her fingers curl, fingertips pressing against the soft silk of his garb, because she wants to feel it all the time, know that's he's alive and that maybe, he does love her.

Joshua pulls away, looking into Natasha's eyes. "...With me, hm?"

"Yes. With you."

"You've never really told me why you decided to believe in the gods," Joshua murmurs suddenly. Natasha blinks.

"Why are you asking this?" she questions softly.

"You've started listening to the gods more," he responds. "You stopped praying… but I can tell. You've started again, haven't you?"

"...I have," she confirms, her voice soft. "Because I don't want to lose you like I lost everyone else."

"You won't," he promises, but she knows it's a hollow promise, and so she shakes her head.

"You can't promise me that when we still don't love each other."

Joshua freezes at those words, and looks away. Natasha purses her lips.

"...I'm sorry," she apologizes, her voice a whisper. "That was the wrong thing to say."

"No," Joshua shakes his head. "You're right." His voice drops, and he murmurs below his breath, "You always are."

"Joshua - "

"Don't apologize. I do love you. Really. I just… don't act like it."

"You do love me," Natasha agrees. "I know that. But… it's hard to believe you sometimes."

"Then tell me Natasha."

"What?"

"Tell me what I can do."

"Joshua - "

"I - I need you," he whispers. "I really do."

"I know," Natasha whispers.

"But I'm not worth you. You devote yourself to me, and I go and… ignore you. Abandon you."

Natasha averts her eyes and takes a deep breath. "I know… it's going to be hard to forgive you for that."

"You don't need to," Joshua murmurs.

"To be a servant of the gods, I must," she responds determinedly, "but we must understand each other. If you can not tell me what is in your mind… perhaps we cannot be with each other. Joshua - "

"I'm sorry," he murmurs immediately, like it's out of instinct. Yet, she shakes her head.

"Stop that, Joshua. It's not your fault."

Joshua opens his mouth to protest, but Natasha shakes her head again, taking one of his hands in hers.

"Really, Joshua. It's… both our faults. I'm sorry for never believing in your… for never trusting you."

"I'm sorry for not telling you anything," he whispers, "but everything can't be fixed with just an apology. That's not enough."

"I love you, Joshua," she breathes. "Is that not enough?"

"No," he murmurs in a low voice, "it's more than enough."

Natasha breaks into a grin, the first grin she's ever put her heart, soul, and faith into, and Joshua knows - he knows! - because he pulls her into a hug, and his arms and heart are warm like the way she's always wanted them to be.


End file.
